F***ing Lomdus

Give me a hit of that shtickel Rav Chaim

“Alright, give me some of that good stuff.”

My dealer pulled a crumpled paper out of his pocket.

“This is the real shit,” he said. “It’s gonna cost you, but it’s worth the money.”

“I’ll take it. What grade is it?”

“This is a Rav Elchanan,” he said beaming.

He noticed my blank stare.

“You never heard of Rav Elchanan? You’re in for a treat. This is top of the line stuff. Nothing like the Rav Boruch Ber shit you’re used to.”

“Okay, okay, let me try it.”

“Yo, what do you think you’re dealing with? This isn’t something you just try. You read one paragraph of this shit and you’ll be going off. It’s a fucking klurgasm with this shit. Trust me. You wanna do this in private or with a chavrusa or something.”

“No, no,” I insisted. “I can handle it. C’mon, just let me read a few sentences.”

“Fine, here. But try to control yourself.”

I started reading. Rav Elchanan began a chakira over whether eidus is nemanus or bereirah. I couldn’t even get to the end of the paragraph.

“Wowwwwww,” I said. “Holy shit, this is moiradik. This is fucking gadlus. Maaaaaan. Rav Elchanan’s a gaon. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Wow. It’s hard to even hold kup, but this is outstanding.”

“Yo, yo, yo, calm down. Don’t be tripping at my place of business. Calm yourself."

I ignored him and continued. Rav Elchanan was explaining the nafka minahs between the two tzdadim.

“Holy fucking shit man. This is ge’oinus, fucking ge’oinus. You were right. This is insane.”

He grabbed the page out of my hand.

“Dude, dude, dude. What did I say? You want this, you gotta pay for it. And you learn it in your own beis medrash. I have a rule. No one learns here. I don’t wanna deal with no burnouts.”

He was right. If I kept going, I wouldn’t be able to stop. I’d burn out right here in front of him.

“Fine, fine,” I said. “How much is it?”

He told me the price. My jaw dropped. He wanted almost every cent I had.

“Lomdus, right?” I said as I gave him the cash. “You can never get enough of it.”

This was why I worked. I spent all my money on this stuff. My friends tried to get me help. They even signed me up for some program, Lomdus Anonymous. It didn’t last.

"You got any more of this Rav Elchanan?” I asked. “Not that I have the cash for it now, but just for next time.”

“Yeah, I just got another great one about migu.”

“Oh damn,” I said, my mouth watering. “About migu? That’s a great sugya. That’ll definitely be amazing. Let me see. Let me read a paragraph of that.”

“Nah, man. You can get that next time.”

“Please? As a professional courtesy. Do me a toivah. Let me just try. I promise I won’t read the whole thing here. Just the first paragraph. I’ll control myself. No burn outs, don’t worry. I just spent so much money with you. Let me just have a taste.”

“Alright,” he said and handed me a stapled bunch of papers. “Enjoy. But just the first paragraph. And keep it in your pants.”

Fuck yeah. I sped through it with glee. He was klerring whether migu is koiach hatynah or koiach nemanus. Fuuuuuck. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. This is fucking amazing. Ribboino Shel Oilam. Holy shit. This is insane. Moiradik.

I forced myself to stop reading after a paragraph. Barely able to control myself from screaming in ecstasy, I gave the papers back to him. I gave myself a minute to calm down before I grinned and said:

“Fucking lomdus, man. This is the shit.”